Okay, I thought I’d provide some relief from all the posts on AI, influencers, or the demise of third-party cookies. I’d like to talk, briefly, about LOUSY commercials. Or more specifically, tired, hackneyed scenarios masquerading as concepts that still find their way into today’s traditional media like TV and radio. And for some pretty big-name advertisers.

Let’s start with a basic premise: if your product or sale is so great, you don’t need to create fake urgency or a silly alternate universe where consumers everywhere are overwhelmed by it and respond instantly. Somewhere, a new copywriter must have been convinced that THEIR interpretation of this cobweb-covered fossil was funny enough to break the mold (or knock the mold off).

The “drop everything and run” cliche.

At the moment, Domino’s is barreling down this well-worn path. The announcer mentions a 50% off promotion “right now” That leads to several astonished people excitedly repeating the “right now” and stopping what they’re doing to head for Dominos. (I guess the company temporarily suspended its obsession with delivery for this campaign.)

The gobsmacked consumers include a lady washing her car and the mandatory news anchor who tosses her scripts in the air and rushes off set to get the deal. Then, of course – and get ready for the knee slapper – a guy fresh from the shower clad only in a towel races off to get in on this life-changing pizza discount. Wow, get ready, Cannes.

The approach is not new, of course, that’s the point. The same principle applies to many an automotive brand, including higher-end nameplates. The vehicles roll through town, attracting open-mouthed stares and admiration, and often a flock of groupies chasing it to get a better look. Oh, please.

The “stunned actors” schtick.

This one is currently being abused in radio spots for a cell service provider. The old “talent at the mic” dialogue with the studio engineer. She’s supposed to read the script, but the offer is SO good, she questions the engineer about it. (He delivers the only decent moment in the spot with a snide “that’s what it says.”)

She, of course, is out the door without completing the spot. Heh heh, I can’t stop laughing.

Others deserving retirement.

In an earlier edition of his classic book “Hey, Whipple, Squeeze This” Luke Sullivan had a section of commercial ideas/situations that have become tired parodies of themselves. I love his list, which includes spots that feature manufactured “game shows.” True confessions, I did one of those early in my career, but honest, mine was great.) Another moldy oldie is the faked “breaking news” item complete with interruptive sound effects.

I would personally add those forced structures developed to allow the writer to cram in every possible product feature to please the client. Obviously, there was no adult in the room to apply the critical discipline to decide which one was most important. Let’s call it the laundry list approach.

“What makes XXXXXXXX carpet cleaning service the best? Is it our unique cleaning chemicals? Or our prompt reliable service? Or our state-of-the-art X400 Steam Cleaning Machine? Well, it just MIGHT be our low, low prices.”

Sometimes these are presented as two “consumers” allegedly discussing the brand, or employees trying to write the company jingle, etc. Either way, it has the unique ability to make consumers glaze over and a sample reel instantly invisible. The strategy (or lack of a real one) is just so darned transparent.

Oh well, aspiring copywriters (or those who should know better) should try to avoid these creative potholes. I’d share more, but WOW, I just heard there’s a big sale on RIGHT NOW at

Early in my career, I earned praise from a newspaper advertising columnist for my work in an unusual venue. The column began “Sometimes creativity must be recognized, even if the vehicle is only a restaurant menu.”  It is in that spirit that I devote this column to an equally unappreciated communications channel: the gas station “pump topper” I encountered at my corner gas station.

The sign went beyond the usual “come in and get a 148-oz. smoothie for 49 cents.”  It actually had some marketing to it. Most of us know that if you buy items other than gas at a gas station, it’s for one of two reasons: you are either too late or too lazy to stop at a real store for it.  (In those situations, you rationalize that a $1.75 can of Coke or a $4.50 gallon of milk are great deals.) Well, while most of us grudgingly accept it as the price of convenience, Citgo has found a way to put things in a more positive perspective – and I think I can see an actual strategy in it.

“What  you need for whatever is next” does a pretty nice job of making me feel better about overpaying for things!  It gives me permission to think “I’m not a poor, pathetic, desperate, disorganized, gullible sucker. I am simply a cool, active, busy person who is smart enough to fit things into my schedule in the most efficient way possible. Let those other people with boring lives and penny-saving obsessions clip their coupons and go miles out of their way to a store where they can save a few cents on a hundred dollars worth of stuff. I, unlike them, have a life to lead.”

Whether I need something on the way home from work or daycare, or some snacks to bring to the party, or any item that will get me through to my next regular grocery trip without having to go shopping NOW – Citgo is right there, 50 feet from where I am filling my car with gas.

“What you need for whatever is next” is a good message, as long as you don’t think about it too much. Like when you walk out carrying that pricey pack of coarse toilet paper.

Okay, glad we have a nice opening item for this month’s edition of “The Good, the Bad, and the Ugh” in the marketing and advertising world.

The Good.

The good this month is, oddly enough, a nice piece of self-promotion/charity effort by New York ad agency McKinney. Instead of the lame attempt at too-cool humor many agencies launch, the folks at McKinney helped create GingerbreadBnB.com.  A just-plain-fun way to raise funds to help the homeless in New York City. You donate to book a “virtual stay” in one of three wonderfully-created gingerbread rental properties, featuring clever and funny edible amenities that even HGTV’s Property Brothers could never imagine. It’s difficult to explain in detail, but the best and most visual write-up I found is here.

It’s earned international attention, and well-deserved. Credit to everyone involved, for the agency in doing something meaningful with those Christmas sentiments (and writing it up very well), and to the artists themselves. It must have been a blast. Thanks to all who booked a virtual stay, as well – you obviously “get it.”  I endorse this concept without, uh, reservations!

The Bad

I’m getting  a little tired of talking about Wendy’s, frankly. But they keep earning it. THIS month, it’s another annoying radio commercial, this time for their Bacon Portobello melt.  In the spot, buyers sing their way through a horribly-forced jingle format, explaining what they did to “deserve” the sandwich. That’s not the bad part – creative is subjective, and some might disagree with me on the creative quality (though they’d be wrong if they did).

The problem here is in the “deeds” credited for earning the awards. They are all “little” Read the rest of this entry »

Okay, sorry in advance for being crabby in this post.  But if I don’t vent soon, my steering wheel will be pencil-thin at the  10 and 2 o’clock positions from excessive squeezing.  My current job finds me driving a LOT. And listening to sports talk radio a LOT. And therefore, hearing the most obnoxious radio commercial in recent memory a LOT.

True confession, I already strongly disliked the redhead character who acts as Wendy’s shill in most of their recent broadcast ads. I find her unlikable and grating. I am also not a fan of Wendy’s laughable  “now that’s better” tag line- which she smugly utters at the end of every spot as if it meant something.

But back to the offending radio spot. Wendy’s is apparently offering one of their sandwiches on “ciabatta” bread.  So some copywriter – obviously one who can entertain himself for hours with a card that says “PLEASE SEE OTHER SIDE” on both sides – decided that such a peculiar word was perfect fodder for an oh-so-witty radio spot.

Image courtesy of Apolonia / FreeDigitalPhotos.ne

The spot – in case you’ve been fortunate enough not to hear it – features a dialogue between our heroine redhead and a friend named – of course – “Renatta.” They exchange insipid lines like  ”  It’s a ciabatta, Renatta.” and “He got a ciabatta, she got a ciabatta, everybody got a ciabatta.” Then,  “red” comes back with possibly the worst-written line in radio history, saying “All except Greg – now he’s persona non grata.”

Hey, I GET it!  It RHYMES with that FUNNY WORD. Hysterical! Cue the Beavis and Butthead snickers.

So many other ways to go. So many ways to make ciabatta sound like something you’d actually enjoy tasting. So many ways to, say, really communicate something.

Yeah, somebody be sure to come back with “well, you remembered the spot!”  Yes, yes I did and I do. And won’t be spending a penny at Wendy’s as long as that spot is on.  Not a penny, Jenny! Not any penny.

Oops, I  think I just split a gut.